Meeting Protectors in IFS

The goal of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) practice is to build Self-to-Part relationships. 💖 By doing so, our inner system becomes increasingly aware of the existence and presence of the Self.

The Self can act as the primary caretaker of our Exiles, helping them heal, and as the leader of our internal system, allowing Protectors to relax and step to the side. This dynamic process is what we call Self-leadership. 🌟

This article explores the common traits of Protectors, offering sample questions for each trait to demonstrate that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to approach them.

What Happens When Self is Leading?

When the Self is leading, Protectors come to realize that all the power they need is already within us. They discover that we inherently know what to do and how to do it—without requiring their constant effort.

As parts develop greater trust in the Self, deeper healing becomes possible. Protectors can relax and shift their focus, allowing the Self to take charge.

Types of Protectors

There are two main types of Protectors:

Managers 🗂️
- These are proactive parts that try to keep things organized and under control.
Firefighters 🚒
- These are reactive parts that step in during emotional crises to distract or soothe in extreme ways.

For simplicity, in practice, we focus less on labeling a part as a Manager or Firefighter. Instead, we pay attention to the common traits and positive intentions they all share.

Gaining a Protector's Trust

Protectors won’t trust the Self to lead unless they feel:

Understood 🤔
Honored 🎖️
Appreciated 🙌

The Self must fully listen to the Protector’s story, concerns, and fears. Only by deeply understanding their unique perspective will they begin to trust the Self enough to relax.

What Makes Protectors Relax?

The key to gaining a Protector’s trust is ensuring that Self is leading the conversation. To achieve this:

Turn your attention inward to connect with your Self-energy.
Acknowledge the hard work Protectors do for you. 💼
Show genuine appreciation for their dedication.

When Protectors truly sense Self-energy, they begin to feel honored, which paves the way for relaxation and trust.

What Can We Ask Our Protectors?

While there’s no set list of questions to memorize, below are some helpful prompts to inspire your conversations with Protectors. These questions can help reveal their positive intent and create a space where they feel seen and valued:

What are you protecting me from?
How long have you been doing this job?
What would happen if you didn’t do this job?
What do you need from me right now?
What are you afraid might happen if we try something new?

By tapping into your curiosity and compassion, the Self can naturally guide these conversations. Self-led curiosity often leads to the most insightful and healing discoveries. 🕵️

Honoring Protectors’ Work

Throughout your dialogue, it’s crucial to acknowledge and appreciate Protectors for the incredible work they’ve done for you. Even if their strategies sometimes feel counterproductive, their intentions are always to protect and help you in the best way they know how. 🛡️

You might say:

“Thank you for working so hard to keep me safe.”
“I see how much effort you’ve put in, and I truly appreciate it.”
“You’ve been doing this job for so long, and I honor your dedication.”

Such affirmations help Protectors feel valued and understood, which opens the door to deeper trust and collaboration.

Bottom Line: What’s Next?

It’s important to remember that Protectors won’t fully relax until the Exile they’re protecting is healed. However, significant progress can still be made simply by:

Building trust with Protectors.
Acknowledging their role.
Demonstrating appreciation for their efforts.

We hope this guide helps you in building stronger Self-to-Part relationships. With time, patience, and compassion, your Protectors can begin to trust the Self and work alongside it for your greater well-being. 🌈